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Age of Empires III Heaven » Forums » General Discussions » And now for the news.
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Topic Subject:And now for the news.
ImperialLobster
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:09 AM EDT (US)         
Good evening. Tonight on Age of News...
A dutch Envoy has been arrested in relation to spying for the French goverment. Pieter Shlinenpopn, a resident of North Carolina was taken into custardy last night. He was taken aback and is reported to have said, "It was very sticky and thick."
Following an explosion in a German Artillery Foundry witnesses have reported that 4 British mercenary Ninjas were behind the attack. 3 Petards were killed and several injured. One Petard said, "I knew I would blow up some day, but I didn't think it would be today. I'm going to sue Frederick."
Another mill is on strike in British territory today because its workers didn't have good accomodation. Mrs. Forster spoke to us saying, "Not enough population room. Not enough population room."
Scientists in India have been trying to find the cause of the intelligence decline in settlers and some are saying it could be related to wood which is their main diet.
A man is being hunted down after he stole meat from a butchers, allegedly for his pet Orangutan, Crunchy. He is described by police as a small man with a beard, and wearing very few clothes. He was last seen sailing past a dock in Sri Lanka in a catamaran.
Thats all for tonight.

KEEP
CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
≤≤≤≤≤See my YouTube channel for some crazy pointless crap!≥≥≥≥≥
AuthorReplies:
prowlers own
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:12 AM EDT (US)     1 / 11       
Can someone make a joke about yukon weather and the halfnakedness of Urumi's?

GR account: Colonel Corrupt [£eg¡øn]

prowlers own,
and you call yourself a human???
Just another liberal "name caller" cause you HAVE NO FACTS
ImperialLobster
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:13 AM EDT (US)     2 / 11       
yes of course... i bet prowlers own would be up to it.

KEEP
CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
≤≤≤≤≤See my YouTube channel for some crazy pointless crap!≥≥≥≥≥
Incognoto
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:26 AM EDT (US)     3 / 11       
.....this thread owns Ulti's FP imo.
StrategicJoeL
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:27 AM EDT (US)     4 / 11       
haha, i laughed out loud at the petards dying and sueing.

organ gunz are chuck norris daddy!
Temerity
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 11:36 AM EDT (US)     5 / 11       
LTMQ!

ESO: Temerit
Rank: PR 28 Captain
Favorite Comics: Stephen Colbert and John Stewart
As_Saffah
Scenario Reviewer
posted 05-20-09 11:56 AM EDT (US)     6 / 11       
Urumi community mocked, ridiculed for fetishes
NEW DELHI (AgeP) - Although they train night and day for a decade to master the chainblade, the Urumi barracks outside of Agrapur have fled in fear of the locals. Villagers carrying blazing torches and pushing wheelbarrows full of rotten eggs sent 150 Urumi swordsmen fleeing into the countryside from charges that they are a public moral menace.

"These so-called warriors have secretly fallen into a cesspit of fetishes and immoral acts," shouted one angry woodcutter. Look at them. I will bet you a barnload of rupees they are wearing their diapers even now, crawling about on all fours and taking pictures of each other."

Recent government inquiries into the groundswell of public outrage have focused on rumours the various Urumi barracks around India have banded together to run an international diaper fetish website. As a result, the Ministry of Internet Porn shut down the internet access for hundreds of barracks nationwide. As a result, AOE3 players across the world have watched helpless as their 9 Urumi HC shipments fail.

"We are grossly underfunded and we rely on modest income from the sale of the annual Urumi Beefcake calendar to keep our training and operations running," said Capt. Raj Jeera, local mansabdar Urumi, twirling his mustache and hitching up his diaper. "Also, it gets hot here. It's India, for pete's sake. Wearing a navy peacoat is something only mad dogs and Englishmen - excuse me, I have another calendar order coming in."

"I kind of like the Urumi calendar," said [FUC]Percival Coquette, leader of the Fetish Urumi Clan on ESO. "These guys are masters of a rare and deadly martial art, and their bodies are lean like whips and corded like steel cables. It's natural for them to want to show their stuff, and the public appreciates this. Also, it gives me that extra little bit of wood I need to build my Consulate," he grinned with a blush.

Not all Indians are up in arms about the Urumi diaper fracas. The International Brotherhood of Roadside Dacoits (local 53) is gearing up a Hairy Bandits n' Breechclouts benefit to save the Highwayman Lodge, an old bed & breakfast on the former Orient Express rail line. There's also a wet breechclout contest at the annual Catamaran Regatta in Goa. Similarly inspired to market themselves in a different light are the Fraternal Order of Thuggees, who hosted a mock ritual murder for Halloween last year at the haunted house theme park in Chutney, and the Jat Lancers Pride Parade which was cancelled because the entrants kept poking each other in the rear with sharp pointy sticks.

Crunkatog on ESO
Bart331 balance suggestion: aztec: remove civ
Voltiguer: Ender, Sioux in 1.04 will be a top civ, no matter how many layers of Sioux goggles you put on
schildpad on Elephants: ...their mansabdar unit sucks so hard it looks like a black hole
Crunkatog on Steam.
As_Saffah
Scenario Reviewer
posted 05-20-09 12:03 PM EDT (US)     7 / 11       
Yukon weather report: 19 May 1893

Morning: Frosty with scattered miners and prospectors
Midday: Lunch hour haze with gusts of snow
Afternoon: 80% chance of freezing your nads off
Tonight: Stale hardtack, tainted horsemeat, 3 kinds of popskull rotgut, a loose klootchman, and waking up in a rut in the ice puking sick with a moose licking the rim of your hooch bottle

Sunset 11:19 pm Sunrise 1:43 am

Crunkatog on ESO
Bart331 balance suggestion: aztec: remove civ
Voltiguer: Ender, Sioux in 1.04 will be a top civ, no matter how many layers of Sioux goggles you put on
schildpad on Elephants: ...their mansabdar unit sucks so hard it looks like a black hole
Crunkatog on Steam.
ImperialLobster
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 12:20 PM EDT (US)     8 / 11       
the funniest jokes are the non-dirty ones.

KEEP
CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
≤≤≤≤≤See my YouTube channel for some crazy pointless crap!≥≥≥≥≥
As_Saffah
Scenario Reviewer
posted 05-20-09 12:32 PM EDT (US)     9 / 11       
This is a family site, sir.

FUNNY CLEAN TOPICAL

pick 2 of 3.

Crunkatog on ESO
Bart331 balance suggestion: aztec: remove civ
Voltiguer: Ender, Sioux in 1.04 will be a top civ, no matter how many layers of Sioux goggles you put on
schildpad on Elephants: ...their mansabdar unit sucks so hard it looks like a black hole
Crunkatog on Steam.
Lord_Richjp
Skirmisher
posted 05-20-09 12:34 PM EDT (US)     10 / 11       
It's natural for them to want to show their stuff, and the public appreciates this. Also, it gives me that extra little bit of wood I need to build my Consulate," he grinned with a blush.
Lol

My grandmother slaps harder than the Agra Fort shoots. And she's dead. ~ Ender_Ward

By the same token, if I attempt to operate the mouse using nothing but my butt-cheeks, micro will also come down to "luck." ~ Beatnikjoe
ImperialLobster
Skirmisher
posted 05-21-09 07:08 AM EDT (US)     11 / 11       
Tonight on Age of News...
3 people have been arrested for walling in a Town Center in the Great Plains. Mr Bounty, explorer and leader of the British colony said that his ally had sent the wallers, and it was part of a much wider conspiracy.
Also several people in Turkey have been caught trying to develop assexual reproduction for humans. The government denies any involvement. Mr. Magnificent, President of Ottomania spoke to the press today. His words were, "I kill you!"
More information was extracted from the ninjas that attacked the Artillery Foundry by poking them with a soft cushion. One was even put into the comfy chair. After a long endurance of pain one of them mentioned a terrorist group, the Black Watch. Black Watch terror cells have been behind many attacks in the past, including the shelling of a Capitol in a French coastal town in the Amazon and the murder of two Mandsabar Gurkhas. Last year the Black Watch allegedly funded an attack by the Thin Red Line, a knifing gang. The gang had run into a economical area in Siberia and stabbed 28 villagers and 5 musketeers. Many more were injured. The British army says it is doing all it can and the chief of police was quoted to have said, "You'll have to bribe me for that!"
India has announced plans for construction of a fort on the far side of their land. Portuguese settlements nearby protested and appealed to Henry the Navigator to have talks with Akbar. Some say a war could break out.
Henry sent a letter to akbar entitled "NOOB INDIA LAMER!" We will keep you informed as events unfold.
We have just received word that a Chinese colony in California has been destroyed by a Monster Truck. Monster Trucks are banned by international law.
And now for the sport.
In tonights colluseum match Isabella is holding up quite well despite a mass Hussar attack by Gall and Naploeon. Tokugawa has stayed quiet until now, but he has unleashed a wave of dopplesoldners, targeting the French gate. The gate collapsed quickly and the Hussars were wiped out very quickly, it looks bad for Napoleons team. Just then a great save by Gall as he sends some bow riders against the dopplesoldners that are going for the fort. Gall has just realised that Tokugawa has sent an advanced balloon towards the Fixed Gun behind his fort. Its all over for the team.

KEEP
CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
≤≤≤≤≤See my YouTube channel for some crazy pointless crap!≥≥≥≥≥
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